Belonging – pt 2

“So what”, people say. “I didn’t belong in my family either. Then I started School and met my best friend.”
Well, I say. I never experienced that kind of peer belonging in school.

I scarcely remember normal everyday life before dad died. But I remember playing with other kids in the neighborhood and being accepted as one of the pack.

All that changed after we moved. Then I became the odd new girl. Who behaved slightly different due to dad just dying. Who had a different accent. Who were cousin with that very weird kid (must be the first real autism sufferer I ever met) who nobody understood. Who were the only redhead in the neighborhood. Who wore glasses. Who did not fit the mold all girls where supposed to fit into. And so on and so forth. If they want to tease and bully you they will find a reason to.

In the lower grades it was mostly the boys. They teased, pulled hair, pushed and shoved. Scratches, bruises and a couple of concussions. No grown-up much noticed.

As we got into middle school budding hormones changed the social dynamics. Also my un-girly behavior changed the boys attitude towards me. I climbed and ran. I didn’t scream at snails,worms, rats or snakes. I where reasonably good at ball sports.
This didn’t earn me any point with the girls.
Their bullying was way more insidious, gave way worse scars. Scars that bother me still today. They decided to wholly ignore me. They didn’t speak to me, and asked if a mouse squeaked if I tried to say something. They acted as they didn’t see me at all. As if I was ghost made of air, or just didn’t exist. But I better not get run into, because then it would be my fault.

Still no grown-ups noticed or acted. Not until I wholly refused to go to school. That got a reaction, although one that actually increased the bullying. All girls in my class had to come to my home to apologize to me, guess if I had to eat that up for years to come. Second, the school decided to sent me to the school counselor, making me even more of an outcast. My mother explained the whole thing with the most studious student in class suddenly being severely school exhausted.

Somewhere around this time. I came to a conclusion.
No matter how I twisted and turned. No matter how I tied myself into knots to fit everyone’s expectation of what I should be. No matter how I growled and demeaned myself.

I would never be allowed to fit in anyway!

So I stopped trying.

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