Trigger, trigger on the wall
Why did you on my head fall?
So Monday, I found out that someone had betrayed me. Badly!
I got an excuse, but the person wont be able to undo their mistake, neither in practical terms or the emotional damage.
This is one of the top 3 triggers I’ve experienced in the last decade or so. And one I couldn’t have avoided if I wanted to.
So it put me into a roller-coaster of flashbacks, panic, numbness, endless loops of why this, and why that.
Eventually, after several tries, I stumbled upon a dVerse writing prompt, and managed to get some of the chaos out of my mind and onto paper in a poem – Lament to my Mother.
I got lots of supportive and positive comments. Several brought tears to my eyes. All helped more than I can express. I felt one and all deserved a long thank you note. Which is the reason I’m writing this post.
That day I felt myself drawn down into the same kind of why-ruminations I remember having when I worked trough my childhood in therapy. I know fully well that beyond a certain point, ruminations is just stalling, fear of moving forward. Because even if you get an answer to all your why’s most likely you will not get an explanation that satisfies the wounded child within.
And I knew as soon as I discovered the betrayal, that in this case, getting an answer to why would make no difference, what so ever.
So my mother, poor soul, got to symbolize what I was feeling Monday and what I felt for so many years.
(Yes, I do sympathies with her, even thou she never admitted anything amiss, ever.)
Worst of all, with days like that is how worthless and insignificant I feel. How loud the voices in my head telling me I should just kille myself gets.
The old programming taking hold again.
So thank you all for easing the loneliness. For hearing my pain and empathizing.
Yes, mothers should be supportive, but when they are not, I thank the graces for there being other supportive folks out there.
I’m glad you have other support, and I hope you find peace.
I appreciate your reply, and the idea that ruminations is just stalling is an important one to remember, so thank you for that.