I see others sharing their life, journey and truth so open and honestly.
You all stand as my inspiration to dare to do the same.
It would be utter joy and gratitude if my sharing helps anyone, in any way. Just as I’ve been helped by others writing.
And if not. Then it wasn’t meant to. And that’s ok too.
My way, may not be your way. We vary in a myriad ways. Each unique.
Yet sharing the human condition.
As I’ve mentioned before, meditation has always been rough for me. That happens when you ignore yourself and all your needs until past breaking point. Because quieting a busy mind and opening up, inevitably means that everything you ever refused to acknowledge will come rushing out.
So it took me years to be comfortable with even light meditation. I did breath-work because it help me stave of panic attacks. And I made myself comfortable with very calm walking meditations, never going deeper than a nice quite mind wherein I could distract myself with whatever.
Somewhere along the last handful years I’ve lost even these moments. Telling myself I would get back to better habits as soon as life permitted. Instead of owning up to the fact that I had once again involved myself with one who where supposed to love and care for me, who didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t. Who didn’t flinch at trampling me down if it kept them up. Who gladly helped me fall out of healthy mental and physical habits. Who knowingly gas-lighted me, until once again I started doubting my sanity.
And let me tell you – that’s a really shitty thing to do!
I’m not even surprised that this journey is in synchronicity with this new moon, her signs and symbols. Of course enough things have to coalesce to give me that start spark. Or kick in the behind.
Been meditated first thing each morning, once or twice during each day, and a longer session before sleep each night.
I’ve been going with mostly guided meditation so far. It helps me find my way back easier, helps regulate the breathing, and actually helps me to remember to not get stuck in any thought.
When I look for guided meditations I search for those that suit me, you can’t relax with a for you grating voice. While also being mindful of letting fear steer my choices. Meaning, not shying away from that which feels difficult.
And boy! Do I find the safe space meditations difficult!
I know I’ve touched on having lost the feeling of safety in at least one poem. But I hadn’t realized how deep that went. Hadn’t understood that part of my sorrow depends on loss of the only inner safety I’ve ever had, one I fought tooth and claw to acquire.
So this week I’ve been crying. Rivers and floods. Whenever I try for that safe sacred space, tears start to fall. And I often find myself shaking my head. No, I don’t feel safe. No, I can’t visualize myself safe. No, not even a place that would be safe.
However many times I try, the old inner safe place is in total ruin. I have no access anymore, it’s like I’m looking at reproduction in a display cabinet in a museum.
I’m sure I’ll be able to build another in time. Either upon the ruins of the old or in a totally new space. But for now I seem tethered to the old ruins, until I can find out what keeps me chained.
Phew, that went much longer that I’d thought. Hope it’s not just a confusing mess… :-D