Tag: ASD

Daily Haibun, August 4th – Whisper and Echoes

My mind is full of whispers and echoes. One inner saboteur saying an unkind nearly true thing. The rest of the choir chiming in with their own versions. Until it’s a cacophony swirling around.

It’s been like this as long as I can remember. I both long for and dread achievements. For they start such storms inside. Such deep self-doubt and loathing. I never learned to feel a sense of accomplishment. I never got told anything was good enough. I was always found lacking.

I’ve done my darnedest best to ignore this for most of my life. But that have made it louder not made it go away. I’ve met with derision when I tried to talk about it. Who doesn’t take pride in achievements?

Going forward I know, my mind and feelings are the biggest hurdles to overcome. The most likely thing to trip me up is ME.

But I’m done being ashamed of having learnt to be ashamed of everything about myself. And those that can’t handle that is no friends of mine.

A storm is brewing

Dark clouds roiling and rumbling

Waiting for a spark

© RedCat

Read other Haibun’s written for the monthly dVerse prompt by me here.

Read other Daily Haibun’s here.

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Daily Haibun, August 3rd – Nervous energy

I’m fully of nervous energy. Running around in circles, but getting nowhere and getting nothing done. Started a gazillion things but finished nothing but the absolutely necessary like cooking. The rest have been left unfinished. Including the writing I was planning to do.

Days like this I have to practice being kind to myself. Instead of being hard and mean to myself. Accept it’s one of those days. That I can start again tomorrow. Tell myself that if reading is all I can concentrate on, then at least I can focus on one thing that is rewarding and educating.

Circling like a moth

Around again and again

Fear loving the flame

© RedCat

Read other Haibun’s written for the monthly dVerse prompt by me here.

Read other Daily Haibun’s here.

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Firework by Katy Perry – Saturday Song

Firework by Katy Perry

After writing both As I Reap The Dreams That I Have Sown and August Approaches yesterday, I decided that tonight’s Saturday Song had to be one about overcoming obstacles, adversity, challenges and hard times. About not giving up, even when that’s all you feel like doing. I found this list of songs about all that. So I started to read lyrics and the choice fell on Firework by Katy Perry. 

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from cavin’ in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing

From Firework by Katy Perry

I know exactly how that feels. But now I have to get away from that, find my voice, develop my passion and allow my light to shine bright.

Enjoy!

Firework – Lyrics

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from cavin’ in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you?
‘Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave ’em all in awe, awe, awe

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave ’em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through

‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave ’em all in awe, awe, awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Source: LyricFind
Song writers: Esther Dean, Sandy Julien Wilhelm, Tor Erik Hermansen, Mikkel Storleer Eriksen, Katheryn Hudson
Lyric to Firework © Peermusic Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management, DistroKid
Firework by Katy Perry

Firework photo credit: Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash

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Solitude and I (2020 Re-post)

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Abandoned and abused, I grew to fear you
But in truth, I where reared by you

Bullied as other, ostracized by my peers
Alone with daily jeers, leers and snears
Childhood and adolescence, year after year
Branding me as strange and queer

Yours the only company to keep me near
Convincing me I’m a mere shadow
Not really alive, not supposed to be here

Developed intimate knowledge of all your tiers
As loneliness you have tooth and claws that tear
Lead chains that trust steer
Forged by every untruth spear
Betrayal heart and soul sear
Invisible barriers separating, from those you hold dear

Dark lonely nights your visits I fear
Haunted hours filled with tears
Leaving me hollow and sheer
As pale dawn washes the heavens clear

After becoming a mother, I’ve started to befriend you, we’re
Old pals, whatever the history, that’s clear
Nowadays I even hold our moments dear
Filled with new knowledge, hope and trust
I’ll never again from my own side veer

All that I seek
I can find within my own heart soul sphere

© REDCAT
Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

Re-post comment:

Loneliness has been much on my mind and in my feelings the last couple of weeks. Both the kind is need and seek. And the kind that can make me feel wholly alone in a room full of people.

So this poem is this week’s archive find.

Enjoy!

This piece where not something I wished to write, but perhaps needed to write, as whatever I thought about the subject solitude – that I express both it and loneliness quite often – got drowned out by this piece rhymes running in loops in my mind.

In the prompt Björn writes;
In today’s situation of social distancing, we all have taken a crash course in loneliness, and when learning to cope. Today I would like you to write about your own experience with how you find strength in solitude or how you still struggle with loneliness.

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There’s A Rumor – MLMM, Wordle 251

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

There’s a rumor among the critics and saboteurs in my head
Petrifying my scarred heart
Running icy tendrils down my neck
Designed to make the little girl inside all verklempt

Because the paralysing nightshade poison of the rumor has been proven true
This girl has never been like the neurotypical you

Ostracization and isolation leaves wounds in our energetic bodies
Removing peel by peel of everything you thought true
Providing constant suction on the life force
Until it’s so low, you start thinking death is a viable option

But don’t jump off that bridge just yet
No life’s fate is in stone set
Hidden among the neurodiversity are your secret weapons
An armory full to keep you safe whatever happens

©RedCat
Photo by Katrina Wright on Unsplash

Written for Wordle #251 at Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie

Suction
Death
Bridge
Petrify
Nightshade
Neck
Peel
Weapon
Little
Bodies
Rumor
Verklempt- overly emotional and unable to speak.

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

I’ve touched upon this before. Both with hints and straight out like in, Another Piece of the Puzzle – A Puente Poem. I apparently have Adhd/Add and ASD/AST.

Some days it makes me furiously angry to be diagnosed this late in life, due to the fact that I’m female and do not fit typically into either diagnosis. Other days I feel immensely sad for the little girl who never understood at all why she couldn’t fit in however much she tried.

Some days it feels like a brand forever excluding me from friendship and love. Other days I realize a lot of my strengths stem from my neurodiversity. My very quick witted mind which others both adore and dislike. My propensity for thinking very deeply about things, which has enabled me to write insightful business reports and papers and allows me to write poetry that touches the hearts of others.

Wrote this to allow myself and others the knowledge that the struggle is real. But that each of us have value and worth. And all of us are deserving to be loved for those we are!

If you yourself are struggling, or know someone who is. Encourage them to get help. To talk to someone. Or drop a line to me either in the comment section or to the mail address you’ll find in the about page.

Photo by HalGatewood.com on Unsplash
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Daily Haibun, June 28th – Change Anxiety

Life is change. We grow from children to adolescents, and on to adulthood. We grow from young adults, to middle age ones and on to old age if we’re lucky. We change schools and jobs. Homes and hometowns. We might change friends and interests. We change clothes and hair styles.

We change in response to events we have no control over. Loss of loved ones. Accidents and catastrophy. Happenings in the whole wide world.

Yet, change is hard for so many. Even positive change. Leading to worry and anxiety. Ruminations about what could have been or what might happen. The confusing feeling of being adrift, without steady ground.

The last year have been a perplexing mix of change while at the same time standing still. Sheltering from the pandemic. More changes will come when we get back to a new normal. We really should change our behaviour concerning destroying the planet we live on.

I have a day or two left before I have to decide on how much I want my life to change in the coming year. Needless to say, my mind is spinning like crazy, weighing every option.

Seed bud flower wilt
Seasons change eternally
Flow with the changes

© RedCat

Read other Haibun’s written for the monthly dVerse prompt by me here.

Read other Daily Haibun’s here.

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Daily Haibun, June 19th – Cooling Air

© RedCat

In the relative quiet of a late night walk. My overheated mind cools and slows down. A bit. Remnants of today’s writing still swirling around.

The cafe I called my second living room as a young adult. Stepping into the unknown. A comment that made me teary eyed. The dark and wild side. The song post halfway done.

All in all I’m pleased and happy with the amount I’ve managed to write today.

The pink half-moon shines
Signaling the day is done
Time to rest and sleep

© RedCat

© RedCat
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Daily Haibun, June 17th – Demilune

Photo by Byron Johnson on Unsplash

The demilune* is bright in the pale sky. The light calming after a warm busy day. Lending peace to evening meditation. Giving calm to an overheated psyche.

My mind is still running itself ragged with too many thoughts and too much self doubt. But I try to function and make decisions despite that. Since I know waiting for it to pass is a fool’s game I’ll lose.

In the balmy night
The demilune shines bright
Calming my minds sight

©RedCat

*Demilune is another word for half-moon.

Read other Haibun’s written for the monthly dVerse prompt by me here.

Read other Daily Haibun’s here.

Photo by Josh Miller on Unsplash
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