Intense Meditation, week 4

© RedCat

This week in group we where taught a Mindfulness technique called
3 – 2 – 1, it can be done sitting or walking, eyes open or closed, and as so many other meditation tools for the beginner it’s easier achieved sitting still with eyes closed. So we start there until we can do it more freely.

It’s purpose is to soothe and calm an overactive mind.

Here’s how to do 3 – 2 – 1

State, silently or aloud, three things you See, Hear and Feel (as in perceive with a sense).
Then two things of each.
Then one.

Breath calm, deep and even during. Though the focus here is not breath but the world around.

I see purple tulips. I see rain drops. I see a stack of books.
I hear the sound of typing. I hear birds singing. I hear the sound of wind.
I feel the warmth of my sweater. I feel the chill spring air trough the window.

I feel the wood floor beneath my feet.

I see purple tulips. I see a stack of books.
I hear birds singing. I hear the sound of wind.
I feel the warmth of my sweater. I feel the chill spring air trough the window.

I see purple tulips.
I hear birds singing.
I feel the chill spring air trough the window.

I have found this tool to work quite well, especially done in nature, but then all forms of meditation is easier for me there. Even writing a version now made me way more mindful and present in the current moment.

© RedCat

After four weeks meditating several times daily, it feels like a habit has formed, that I’ve completed the first step on the path. Now I’m looking forward to finding out what the next step is.

Intense Meditation, Week 1
Intense Meditation, Week 2
Intense Meditation, Week 3


The attentive might notice, way more than four week’s have now gone since the first post. When I started this series, I envisioned meditating this intensely, mening around three hours per day, for the duration of the eight week – Compassion Mind Training – and writing a post for each week.

Then corona virus SARS-CoV2 causing the illness Covid-19 pandemic hit the world. And everyone’s lives changed. Including cancellation of all
non-essential treatments to lighten the load on the health care system.

I’m happy and heartfelt grateful for having managed to make meditation a routine before the pandemic, and I’m proud to say I still meditate daily. It might not cure PTSD or clinical depression, but it helps to cope with both.

Going forward I plan to set up a page to gather my resources on Compassion Focused Therapy and meditation. I will also keep writing posts about my own experience and path. Reviews of tools, techniques, teachers, books and other resources. And share the insights I gather on the way.

The road might be long and windy,
but with will and intention
we can make the journey the point,
not an unforeseeable future goal.

Insight Timer – app review — Mrs Delight

I downloaded this app because it was recommended in my Compassion Focused Therapy. And because I realized I needed help and guiding if I were ever to learn mindfulness and meditation properly. That’s also when I started my intense meditations. For about a week I used the app without an account all together. Which is […]

Insight Timer – app review — Mrs Delight

I decided it was time to reboot my other blog, which I started for writing reviews (mostly) in English, and then more or less abandoned because that was not the kind of writing I needed. Just the kind I dared to share with the world.

Now I know there are kind supportive people out there, who amazingly like what I write. Something that fills my heart with gratitude!

Thank you all! ❤️

Box – a Couplet

Photo by Designecologist on

In the box, fragments of me
Shameful shards, bits I rather not be


I wrote this couplet a few days in my notebook, but couldn’t get any further. Now, I use it as it is for Franks Final Couplet challenge.

A couplet is two similar lines of verse. Both lines have the same meter. They do not have to rhyme. However, they should make sense together and have a similar metrical structure.

Photo by Kaboompics .com on

Intense Meditation, Week 3

© RedCat

In group this week we got introduced to finding and/or meeting our inner Compassionate Self, who are signified by acceptance and kindness, non-judgment, stability and strength, warmth and wisdom. Or in other words, to find that inner archetype, open communication with that higher inner Self.

We we’re given home work to read every day for a week. I managed two times. This exercise is as hard for me as the Safe Space meditations.

Today I went back to it, putting on my bedroom wall, where seeing will become reading. So I can approach it slowly over time, instead of not doing it, because it gives a PTSD inducing, trauma connected reaction.

I also stole myself a few minutes alone, so I could talk about an insight around the reason for getting panicky when meditating, or drop down tiered after yoga. (More about that in a coming post.) It goes against open honesty within the therapy group, but since several of the participants have shown the reaction I know so well, I thought it better not to upset the pot.

© RedCat

I’ve mentioned journaling combined with meditation before, and as of last week I have a Meditation Journal. So far it contains some Compassion Focused Therapy theory, notes from a meditation podcast, some meditation tools, meditation inspired poetry, and most importantly I note how my practice is going, how it affects me, thoughts and insights.

I’ve kept meditating 2-3 times a day, so most mornings, a walk during the day, and going to bed at night. The last one especially have helped me. I no longer toss and turn for hours, or need to resort to sleep medication, which leaves you muddled the next day.

Intense Meditation, Week 1
Intense Meditation, Week 2

The road might be long and windy,
but with will and intention
we can make the journey the point,
not an unforeseeable future goal.

Silence in my heart


In calm between heartbeats
In space between thoughts
I listen
To a
Kind, accepting, warm, wise
Loving, compassionate
Deeply rooted
That fills the
Silence in my heart


Another meditation piece…
What do you all think, should I start recording these like guided meditations? Let me know what you think!

Inspired by my meditation practices and today’s “quick poetry” prompt at Go Dog Go.

Grieving Gallery

“Eyes Without a Face” by Digital Collage Artist Robin Isely

After receiving keys to the halls of memory
Not everything comes instantly clear
To know the whole truth, embark on soul journey
Depart ready to reevaluate everything held dear

Follow vision through the halls
Guided safe from wandering lost
Listen to those deep soul calls
Let yourself be guided by hearts trust

There will be some painful recalls
Abuse has left wells of sorrowfulness
In frame after frame upon these walls
Drain them all to reach forgiveness

Revisit all that’s walled away
Beneath it all, find a new peace
Release everything that outlived its stay
In nurtured sacred space, sow new life lease

For now, be here, in the grieving gallery
From eyes on every wall, in every frame
Versions of me left lost in lonely solitude
With tearful eyes wonders the same

I will find peace, purpose, self-love within
It will set my soul free
Am I destined to live only within my skin
Is there a loving friendship out there for me


Once again time for my favorite picture prompt – The Sunday Muse. I look forward to each Saturday when I get to see this weeks inspiration. More then once has the picture taken my muse to new heights, as in “After the Rain”. This poem is a companion both to that one and to “Raven Key”.

This week has been spent in wondering how much to worry about pandemic, and in some state of emotionally drained after now three weeks of intense meditation and compassion focused therapy.

© RedCat

Intense Meditation, Week 2

© RedCat

The group this week didn’t lead anywhere new, except a clear understanding that most people can find a safe space with a little guidance, just as many people in their core know themselves worthy of love.
Both things that’s foreign to me, the first I know I’ll find again. But the second I now know, where never taught to me att all.
Both also seems to confound the the groups leders, a psychologist and a specialized nursed. Something I’m used to by now, it happens frequently with Swedish mental health care professionals. They just don’t know what to do with me…

My own work – meditation wise – have on the other hand lead to insights, new knowledge, an ah-moment or two. Once I even laughed out loud, because of the ways I have treated myself.

I’ve kept meditating at least 3 times a day. And challenged myself to find any little spot. On the commute, while walking somewhere, while waiting. This I found, also made me practice self-compassion on a very low, easily attainable level. Even I, can’t berate myself for losing concentration when the tube gets filled with loud kids, babies crying, barking dogs, etc.

While I do push myself, I try to do so compassionately. Meaning I accept “bad sessions”, try to not assign value, tell myself building a new habit and getting well is the goal, not achieving anything special.

I’ve also learned a some important things, and found a few false believes I held about meditating – taught to me by someone who didn’t know better I guess.

  • Meditation is a process you can learn and train yourself in.
  • Highly beneficial, and generally leading to a “happier” life, dosen’t mean it’s easy, comfortable, fun or a quick fix. It requires work!
    Meaning you’ll learn to accept, respect and love yourself, thereby attaining bliss – after you have worked, thought and felt trough everything within yourself.
  • Meditation starts with conscious breaths.
  • The mind won’t be quiet, it will trow up thoughts and feelings constantly. That dosen’t mean you’re doing it wrong, it just means you have to learn to catch yourself and take yourself back to just focusing on your breath.
    This is one of the misconceptions I had, that since my mind didn’t quiet I where doing something wrong.
  • For many journaling goes hand in hand with meditation and mindfulness practices.
  • Meditation leads to and train you in mindfulness, but they are separate things.

In one podcast I heard a claim that scientists have found that they can measure positive effects in the brain after 12 minutes of meditation. I don’t have a source, but after two weeks I can feel a definite difference between doing it for five minutes compared to fifteen, so it wouldn’t surprise me.

© RedCat

This week I’ve tried safe-space meditations again, to no avail. I still can’t get there. But I have started to being able to feel comfortable within the meditative mindset, trough guided self-love and self-worth meditations, added before the last relaxing sleep meditation.

And two nights ago I had a breakthrough. First I really felt a shift in consciousness.
Then a mantra of;

I love you – I accept you – I respect you – I love you

Shattered me into every little piece that didn’t get the love she needed, then slowly melded with my breath and intention until I actually felt myself both meaning what I said and receiving it, feeling that the voice meant all of me.

As I slowly came back, I brought with me a feeling of contentment. Of resting safe with myself for the first time in ages. Without needing another human to help me get there. I also knew, I had to tell someone, who gives only positivity, the reason I’m so uncommunicative, is my fear of getting rejected and loosing another friend. So I wrote something to get a conversation started.

After falling asleep, for the first time, since I saw you
Without a profoundly deep, black hole of loneliness
I am ready to confess
How much your encouragement matter to me
That in fact, it’s nearly the only outer positivity my life contain
So I’m terrified to lose it if I confess my need
Afraid to talk to you, should you notice

So I’ve spent a week perhaps more mindful then ever before, I’ve learned and experienced new things. I dared to open up to someone, I wished it been in person, but my few friends are far flung.
It’s not necessarily been easy, or without strong emotion, and I wish I had a teacher. I’m confident this could be good for me, maybe even change my life completely. But I won’t know that for a few years at least.

Intense Meditation, Week 1
Intense Meditation, Week 3

The road might be long and windy,
but with will and intention
we can make the journey the point,
not an unforeseeable future goal.

Open, Accept, Surrender

© RedCat

Breath deep – breathe slow
Open inner celestial gate
Immerse in moon glow

Reveal wretched, abysmal mental-state
Hunted, wounded, all trust broken
Never again pristine whole slate

Accept heartbreak, sorrow, disconnect
Bars of deepest depression
Acknowledge all hurts unspoken

Left no safe sacred bastion
Warlock razed every wall
Drenched soul-well in poison

Surrender at rock-bottom, reveal all
Breathe, be, trust
Hear inner wisdom call

She will guide you dearest
To that space where you begin
Renew energy, life, lust

Return to searching mystic discipline
From breath to heart to soul
Replenish all needs within


Another piece inspired by my meditation. It haven’t escaped my attention that several of my last pieces revolve around the same theme. (That’s why I’ve given them the same image.) I have no intentions in getting caught in a loop, but there is something that wants to be told, and apparently I’m not all the way there yet.

Posted as response to Weekend Writing Prompt #145 – Abysmal hosted by Sammi Cox. 93 words with a Terza rima scheme.

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