After more than a year of isolation taking the commuter train to the other side of town felt like an adventure, like going somewhere new, even though I’ve been there lots of times. Arriving felt strange, the busy place I remembered nearly empty of people. No students at the campus. Even the university hospital was mostly quiet.
After getting a bit dizzy and light-headed after the shot I was kept under observation for an hour. When I emerged the grey overcast sky had turned to brilliant sunshine and summer warmth.
Like sun after rain getting the first vaccine shot fills the heart with hope
In her dark mind towering thunderheads Better to break than to abuse conform Sparkling dreams and fragile dreams beaten dead
No pink dawn breaking to be seen ahead The sky full of bruised clouds aching to storm In her dark mind towering thunderheads
Starved, strangled passion bleeding out blood-red No space for dreams outside the prescribed norm Sparkling dreams and fragile dreams beaten dead
Clinging to sanity by a thin thread Stuck screaming unheard in protective form In her dark mind towering thunderheads
Trapped in a black vortex of clawing dread Demons, nightmares and evil spirits swarm Sparkling dreams and fragile dreams beaten dead
Shivering cold in a lonely blue bed Dreaming of being held in embrace warm In her dark mind towering thunderheads Sparkling dreams and fragile dreams beaten dead
The form is a Villanelle in pentameter, meaning five feet per line. And although it has niteen lines (thirteen unique ones) it has only two rhyme sounds. For me the easiest way to denote this is – A1bA2 abA1 abA2 abA1 abA2 abA1A2
I confess to some extra dark and hopeless days recently, but even so, I’m grateful to be able to say it was a long time – as in years and years – since I was in such a bad place.
I just have private reasons for wanting to help someone else expressing the same kind of bad place.
The crescent moon is sickle sharp Like the distance keeping us apart Then she grows, still we’re seeing her from distant shores Separated from the one we adore
The warm, golden half-moon Makes us long for passionate afternoons Then she fills, lockdown alarm shrills While we freeze as loneliness chills
The full moon, glistening on frost Reminding of all that’s lost Then she fades, taking light and hope away Spring, a made up, unreachable someday
The weight off the world seems to lay on my shoulders. However-much I work against it. All old harmfull programming is in full force. Sending out censors and critics to tell me off for every not written to prompt, shame me every unanswered comment.
Some form of perfect storm. The pandemic and isolation. Me on the cusp of achievement. The step where I usually self-sabotage.
As the publishing process has long been out of my hands, I hoped for a feeling of accomplishment. Instead my twisty-loopy-trauma-scared mind makes the most of trying to make me feel fear and confusing. Trying to downplay my work into worthless nothingness, wondering how I can presume to have something to say.
Abandoned and abused, I grew to fear you But in truth, I where reared by you
Bullied as other, ostracized by my peers Alone with daily jeers, leers and snears Childhood and adolescence, year after year Branding me as strange and queer
Yours the only company to keep me near Convincing me I’m a mere shadow Not really alive, not supposed to be here
Developed intimate knowledge of all your tiers As loneliness you have tooth and claws that tear Lead chains that trust steer Forged by every untruth spear Betrayal heart and soul sear Invisible barriers separating, from those you hold dear
Dark lonely nights your visits I fear Haunted hours filled with tears Leaving me hollow and sheer As pale dawn washes the heavens clear
After becoming a mother, I’ve started to befriend you, we’re Old pals, whatever the history, that’s clear Nowadays I even hold our moments dear Filled with new knowledge, hope and trust I’ll never again from my own side veer
All that I seek I can find within my own heart soul sphere
This piece where not something I wished to write, but perhaps needed to write, as whatever I thought about the subject solitude – that I express both it and loneliness quite often – got drowned out by this piece rhymes running in loops in my mind.
In the prompt Björn writes; In today’s situation of social distancing, we all have taken a crash course in loneliness, and when learning to cope. Today I would like you to write about your own experience with how you find strength in solitude or how you still struggle with loneliness.
Recall our midwinter feast Our hope and ecological fears as we laid the tens to rest A new decade for new beginnings at least Instead modern humanity put to one of our greatest tests
Now we shelter in place Curtailed from roaming free Lost within our inner maze Now we have ample time for truths, we might not want to face
So fortify yourself by recalling those hopes and fears Decide where you want to go from here So next time we meet, after our happy to be free tears We’ll start working to bring a better greener world near
Inspiration like everything else seems to have it’s cycles and seasons. Today after feeling very low I got the idea to finish a piece I started but couldn’t finish 31 March.
The world according to RedCat 