Gave myself a long weekend of publishing, let the writing come on it’s own. Made some extra time and space to meditate. Grateful for a “normal” Sunday in unnormal times. And heading into the tenth week of social distancing, I really needed that. A hint of life going forward, not standing still, huddling. A hint of summer to come. A hint of normalcy.
In preparation for tonight When we bask in warm firelight Celebrating the return of spring Releasing old patterns within We scrub and clean fresh House and yard, mind and flesh So when we light the fire tonight We offer our old self to the light Rejuvenating in the energies of spring Manifesting what we keep deep within Restarting life afresh United heart, soul, mind and flesh.
Tonight is Beltane, for my three Nordic Witches it’s Walpurgis Night, when finally spring has arrived. Another Christian celebration hiding a much older history. It’s usually also the last cold period before balmier temperatures reach this far north.
I wrote this before reading today’s GloPoWriMo prompt, but no surprised the return of the three lead me directly on prompt with something that returns yearly.
In group this week we got introduced to finding and/or meeting our inner Compassionate Self, who are signified by acceptance and kindness, non-judgment, stability and strength, warmth and wisdom. Or in other words, to find that inner archetype, open communication with that higher inner Self.
We we’re given home work to read every day for a week. I managed two times. This exercise is as hard for me as the Safe Space meditations.
Today I went back to it, putting on my bedroom wall, where seeing will become reading. So I can approach it slowly over time, instead of not doing it, because it gives a PTSD inducing, trauma connected reaction.
I also stole myself a few minutes alone, so I could talk about an insight around the reason for getting panicky when meditating, or drop down tiered after yoga. (More about that in a coming post.) It goes against open honesty within the therapy group, but since several of the participants have shown the reaction I know so well, I thought it better not to upset the pot.
I’ve mentioned journaling combined with meditation before, and as of last week I have a Meditation Journal. So far it contains some Compassion Focused Therapy theory, notes from a meditation podcast, some meditation tools, meditation inspired poetry, and most importantly I note how my practice is going, how it affects me, thoughts and insights.
I’ve kept meditating 2-3 times a day, so most mornings, a walk during the day, and going to bed at night. The last one especially have helped me. I no longer toss and turn for hours, or need to resort to sleep medication, which leaves you muddled the next day.
Another piece inspired by my meditation. It haven’t escaped my attention that several of my last pieces revolve around the same theme. (That’s why I’ve given them the same image.) I have no intentions in getting caught in a loop, but there is something that wants to be told, and apparently I’m not all the way there yet.
Wandering through colonnades of majestic pine Hidden shadowy underworld Stabbed through with shafts of silvery shine Ground-mist seething, furl and unfurl
Crescent moon upon my brow To east where light return Sunshine seal my solemn vow Trust your guidance and wisdom to receive hearts yearn
Faint I feel the Goddess response Live life guided by true hearts desire Prepare for an upheaval, life renaissance Follow the path that your muse inspire Love, laugh, follow foolish ideas now and then Rest assured you have the lionheart strength Find those moments of zen Have faith you know your souls wavelength
Wrote the first draft of this a few days ago. Since then I’ve wrestled with editing the piece. By know I don’t know if I doubt this piece because something is missing, or because there is some internal upheaval in my life right now. Usually I don’t have trouble – letting a piece go – and hitting the publish button, but this time I do.
So some feedback would be gladly accepted, be it good or bad.
I never knew, or dreamed, I would write poetry, so this is a learning experience to discover and hone my craft.
Once I couldn’t breathe. Lungs felt constricted, small. Deep breaths weren’t possible. With shallow breath, came fear, panic. It could strike anytime, anywhere. Panic-attacks really can feel like dying. You can’t breathe, heart beats painfully, reality narrows down to a gauntlet of worst nightmares.
I became obsessed with avoiding. Perpetually on my watch, fearful of anything that awoke the panic. Eventually I became a nervous wreck, who couldn’t face public commuting, certain neighborhoods or going to my childhood small-town. Life dwindled.
One day, a wise woman, asked how my breath was. First the question made little sense, but eventually I realized I didn’t breathe deep, with my stomach. The way I learned as a singer. Retraining, I discovered a connection with true-self, a path to less stress. Possibility of self-love. My voice.
There are moments between heart-beats. Between breaths. Wherein lies lifes true meaning.
I’m back to turning my life into prose or poetry. Here in just 144 words, I try to tell how full fledged anxiety and/or PTSD induced panic-attacks feel, what they do to you, and what I found to help me.
This is also much on my mind since I’m back to doing breath-exercises. It seems I have more to learn in this area too. Especially relating to breathing, meditating and self-compassion.
Even so, while pondering which approach to therapy they might grant me. They asked if I’d participate in group Compassion-focused therapy (CFT). And I said yes, so now I’ll do eight weeks of CFT. So far, beyond trying to explain our emotion regulation systems, it’s mostly been light meditation and breath work. Which stand as inspiration for this piece.
I’ll be back to the subject of compassion and CFT later.
This weeks earthweal prompt has to do with finding hope. And even though my mind keeps spinning around the subject in all its forms, nothing coalesce and really takes shape. More work required obviously. So instead I wrote about what helps me feel hope right now, which is meditation and breath-work.