I’m still in so much pain from my shoulder that I can’t use the arm, sleep, think or write. So tonight I chose a song that I truly could write a lot about. But won’t. Let’s just say it resonates strongly with me normally and even more so right now.
The corous goes:
Pain! You made me a, you made me a Believer, believer Pain! You break me down and build me up Believer, believer Pain! Oh, let the bullets fly, oh, let them rain My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! You made me a, you made me a Believer, believer
I’ve had a little ache in my shoulder for a couple of weeks. Nothing major. Until today. When it exploded into – want to scream with pain every time I move my arm to much or too fast. Tried to take a rest earlier today, but lying down just made it worse.
I’ve had a couple of weeks of restless rest. The death-rebirth energies surrounding midwinter tends to do that. Especially if you work with yourself then.
Add to that the realization that climate change is not longer a thing of the future. Climate emergency is NOW. So we should ACT NOW. Stop consuming so much! Choose better materials. Work towards not using fossil fuels. And so on and so forth. All the things I feel like a broken record for repeating again, and again, and again.
As icing on the cake comes angst as a beloved friend, and several others, had a near miss with death. Senseless violence that’s probably aimed at someone, but shows total lack of care for human life. Again, loss of life is down to sheer coincidences. I really don’t want to live in a world where some think blowing a bomb, nearly talking a building, is a correct response to anything!
Always felt other and wrong Never truly felt like I belong Never felt unencumbered and free Allowed to just be me Perpetual cycles of pain and abuse Always guessing which persona mask to use Living with nagging doubt, maybe I’m just insane
~Can a diagnosis everything explain~
Help me to equilibrium gain Teach me what I need to know To at functioning life have a go Give me hope of fitting in Break my minds eternal tailspin Show me how to reach good mental health Allow me to fully use my minds idea wealth
Sitting here wondering if I really dare to post this. Afraid to expose myself. Afraid to overshare. Afraid to be rejected once more. At the same time feeling like I need to share how much upheaval there is right now. And why.
I’ve had bouts of depression on and off through life. And I’ve been told to view them and every other issue as stemming from the abuse I’ve gone through. That my struggles depend on that only and if I can somehow overcome them I will be as everyone else.
Cue a new psychologist.
Who started to ask questions I’ve never got before. Who administered not just the really short screening tests (that apparently typically don’t catch female sufferers) but longer fuller tests that screen for Adhd/Add and Autism spectrum disorder. The last months have been test upon test. There are a few left but the first of the two is by now a given, the second one in some kind of high functioning way very probable.
I don’t know how to feel about either. And I don’t know if it will really help in any practical way.
You’ve been through hell But outwardly nobody can tell You look confident and strong But in your heart you just want to belong Your mind keeps saying they are all reading you wrong
You’ve picked yourself up more times than you care to count You’ve survived more that most will ever have to surmount Yet you see yourself as flawed and weak As someone who have no right to love and support seek Instead of seeing how your experiences have made you unique
I know you are ready to give up That you’ve started to fear each sunup But I’m here to let you know You can this darkness to outgrow That your indomitable spirit shines with a blinding glow
Yourself is the only one you need to forgive Not anyone who’s been abusive You’ve been taught to see yourself as wrong But you are brave and bold and strong You are worthy of love and to belong
But you have to let your walls down just a little bit You have to acknowledge how badly you’ve been hurt and hit You have to let trustworthy people in Needing others is human, not a sin Then your new life can truly begin
Inspired by the symbology of the Nine of Wands. Written as a letter to another me who really would have needed this. And to anyone else out there who needs to to hear that being abused is never the victim’s fault.
To forgive yourself for something not your fault might seem odd. But I know that most abuse survivors struggle with just that. Holding themselves responsible for what happened. In parts I still do. And that putting the blame where it actually belongs, be it an abusive parent or partner, is both very hard and one of the things that sets you free.
Don’t react if they bully and tease. Turn your other cheek and say please. Don’t hit back! No one likes a girl who attacks. Don’t show you’re smarter than the boys. It will them only annoy. Don’t talk back to adults. Even if they are wrong it’s an insult. Don’t show you’re smarter than men. You’ll just be a bother again. Don’t speak up for anyone’s rights. They’ll just think you’re picking a fight. Don’t claim any self worth. What? Do you think it comes with birth? Don’t state your opinions. You’ll just get shun. Don’t stick out, it’ll break Jante’s law. Remember you’re just another bah, haha! Don’t pursue creative dreams. You might as well chase moonbeams. Don’t be a nuisance girl. Do you think you’re a precious pearl? Don’t be a disturbance. No one wants to see your brilliance.
Or.. Do the opposite of all that! Better be called a hellcat than live as a trampled doormat!
Wednesday and time to wander the archives. This is the second most read post from GloPoWriMo 2020. It’s both a story and about me as a child. Books and pets where my only true companions.
What did you think would happen to a child left on my doorstep? Free to roam the the shelves. Delve into the dusty archives. A whole childhood to read whatever took her fancy.
She learned everything she knows from me. I always accepted, comforted and nurtured her. When no one else did. She felt safe spending hours. Within my booked lined walls.
Of course she’d find. Fantastic stories to immerse in. Hilarious verses to laugh with. Poetry as steamy as any video. More facts than you know. Opposing ideas and new wisdom. Philosophy and all the religions. Mystical traditions founded in ancient history.
Curious children do that you see. They search for and soak up stories and facts.
Of course all that. Paper and ink. Facts and fictions. Millions of words.
Put her under my spell. Made her seek my sanctuary. Endeavour to write stories of her own.
Wondrous worlds of strange beauty. The nature seen through loving eyes. Sensual stanzas that arouses desire. Horrifying tales of death and suffering.
Yes! I confess! That bright discarded child. I made her mine by love. Of knowledge and words.
Now she lives in the apartment of the head librarian. Spending days and nights with words. I think she’s happy!
Trapped, imprisoned in her own mind Behind bars of her own making She can only watch others shine Trapped, imprisoned in her own mind Unable to a way out find Left lonely, cold, soul heart aching Trapped, imprisoned in her own mind Behind bars of her own making
To love she’s rendered deaf and blind Unable to hope awaken Convinced she’s by abuse defined To love she’s rendered deaf and blind In fear and sorrow she’s enshrined Who will tell her she’s mistaken To love she’s rendered deaf and blind Unable to hope awaken
Love and trust will the bars unbind Hope gives strength to a new path make If she finds souls that’s truly kind Love and trust will the bars unbind When she sees how star bright she shines Her light strength can all shackles break Love and trust will the bars unbind Hope gives strength to a new path make
likes drawing and painting children, animals, landscapes and food. She specialises in watercolour, mixed media, coloured pencil, lino cut and print, textile design. Jane can help you out with adobe indesign for your layout needs, photoshop and adobe illustrator. She graduated with a ba(hons) design from Glasgow School of art, age 20.
She has exhibited with the rsw at the national gallery of Scotland, SSA, Knock Castle Gallery, Glasgow Group, Paisley Art Institute, MacMillan Exhibition at Bonhams, Edinburgh, The House For An Art Lover, Pittenweem Arts Festival, Compass Gallery, The Revive Show, East Linton Art Exhibition and Strathkelvin Annual Art Exhibition.
Her website is: https://www.janecornwell.co.uk/