Another Piece of the Puzzle – A Puente Poem


Always felt other and wrong
Never truly felt like I belong
Never felt unencumbered and free
Allowed to just be me
Perpetual cycles of pain and abuse
Always guessing which persona mask to use
Living with nagging doubt, maybe I’m just insane

~Can a diagnosis everything explain~

Help me to equilibrium gain
Teach me what I need to know
To at functioning life have a go
Give me hope of fitting in
Break my minds eternal tailspin
Show me how to reach good mental health
Allow me to fully use my minds idea wealth

©RedCat

Sitting here wondering if I really dare to post this. Afraid to expose myself. Afraid to overshare. Afraid to be rejected once more. At the same time feeling like I need to share how much upheaval there is right now. And why. 

I’ve had bouts of depression on and off through life. And I’ve been told to view them and every other issue as stemming from the abuse I’ve gone through. That my struggles depend on that only and if I can somehow overcome them I will be as everyone else. 

Cue a new psychologist.

Who started to ask questions I’ve never got before. Who administered not just the really short screening tests (that apparently typically don’t catch female sufferers) but longer fuller tests that screen for Adhd/Add and Autism spectrum disorder. The last months have been test upon test. There are a few left but the first of the two is by now a given, the second one in some kind of high functioning way very probable.

I don’t know how to feel about either. And I don’t know if it will really help in any practical way.


I’m still me, as I’ve always been. 

Will this alter others’ perspective of me?


Written in the Puente form for tonight’s Poetics: Build a Bridge at dVerse. 

Rhyme scheme: aabbccd d deeffgg


GloPoWriMo 2021 preparations

© RedCat

Tomorrow is first of April, the beginning of Easter, or Ostara if you’re so inclined. It’s also the first day of Global Poetry Writing Month. I participated last year without knowing what I got myself into.

I managed to write 30 poems with some help from my favourite writing community site’s.

This year I have actually planned a bit ahead. Thinking over which sites gives the prompts that inspires me most. And signing up for another Ekprastic Challenge.

You’ll find me writing to art at The Wombwell Rainbow, to the always inspiring Skyloverswordlist, my poetry home at dVerse Poet’s Pub, and perhaps also The Sunday Muse, Poet’s and Storytellers United and Earthweal.

See you at the poetry trail! 💕

© RedCat

Stage Fright – A Quadrille

© RedCat

Heart speeds, thunder in my ears.

Stomach knot’s, getting queasy. Flee, get out of here.

Breaths shallow, fast. Dizziness on top of fear.

Mind panic, doubt rises. Saying no one really wants your words to hear.

Audience cheers.

Slowly nervousness and stage fright clears.

©RedCat

No one except the one in the spotlight knows how much you’ve had to fight yourself to get on stage, or in front of the camera.

And even the most confident looking person might have doubts. I surely do everytime I step in the spotlight, even if you can’t see or hear it.

For example. I was sure my voice would be trembling and so fast you couldn’t hear a thing last Thursday’s Open Link Live. But that, like the doubts and nervousness was only on the inside of my mind.

Anyone else getting a bit jittery while reading their own poetry?

Written for tonight’s Quadrille prompt at dVerse. And the word tonight is knot.

Read other Quadrille’s by me here.

WikiGap – Let’s close the internet gender gap


Tonight not a poem or flash fiction from me. Instead I’ll share another form of writing challenge with you all!

Since 2018 I’ve been involved in a project called #WikiGap. The project aims at getting more WOMEN and HBTQIA people to participate in writing and editing Wikipedia articles.

#WikiGap invites broad and diverse participation, and allows for local adaptations to the overall theme of closing the gender gap and other gaps relevant for diversity on Wikipedia.

Wikimedia

So go to your language version of Wikipedia and look for persons relevant to an encyclopedia.
If you can’t find an article – write one!
Especially if the person has articles in other language versions.

The bar for being considered relevant differs from each language version, so be sure to read your own.

And if you don’t know how to register, edit or write new articles. Leave a comment or email me and I will help you find tutorials or other sources on how to write on wikipedia.

Have a good night all!

Fake a Smile – Saturday Song

Fake a smile – Alan Walker and salem ilese

Music have always been a big part of my life. I’m one of those “sing before I could talk, dance before I could walk” people.

I know this is evident in my writing, and still I’ve felt music is largely missing from my blog. Only Yule Angst, a really chaotic, crazy, depressive poem have been set to music, and sung.

For a while I played with the idea of reviewing music. But I’m often not current enough. And truth be told often totally uninterested in the release of the week.

So instead I decided to once a week share a song that one way or another have touched me recently.

My first Saturday Song is Fake a Smile by Alan Walker and salem ilese. A tune I’ve played, and sung along to, on repeat the last week’s.

And the text really hit home…

“I fake a smile, but I know you know me too well”

“I try to turn off my mind
Say I’m doing just fine
But I’m screaming inside like (Oh)
Say these words on repeat
While I’m tryin’ to breathe
Now you’re counting on me”

Hope you all have a good weekend!


Photo by omar alnahi from Pexels

Quiet Sunday Contemplation

©RedCat

Quiet Sunday contemplation
Walking face towards the sun
Looking for next step directions
Of this journey I’ve begun

Breathing deep in meditation
Sitting face towards the sun
Practicing elusive self-compassion
I just wanna jump up and run

Diving deep into inspiration
Keeping my face towards the sun
Writing my hearts dedication
Keep striving until life brightens

Mind filled with imaginations
From the strengthening spring sun

©RedCat

Last month I wrote Quietly Contemplating Continuation, trying to put words on the thought swirling in my mind. I had just signed up for the ekphrastic challenge – meaning interpreting art through poetry. It sounded like a fun colour splash in the dark of winter. I also thought it could teach me something. 

It changed my process in regards to writing inspired by art. How I approach and look at each piece, taking notes, then let my impressions stew for a bit. For some reason it also made me stretch myself into using more complex forms I’ve previously struggled to accomplish.

I’m especially pleased with Nightmare Storms – A Villanelle, The battered tower – A Triolet and Fall Maiden – A Sonnet.

Quietly Contemplating Continuation

Photo by George Becker from Pexels

Quietly contemplating continuation
Which way will wisdom grow
Will writing veer life
Shall sonnets soul spark show

Release old rules too relied on
Prepare for passions power
Find a faint force of freedom
Soak in shimmering star showers

Play with your Phoenix power
Follow fantasies fever frisson
Trust in true talking hearts
Moon-madness magic mission

©RedCat

Mind off on other things, I’ve decided to take a step back and allow myself to relax, take stock of everything written last year. Contemplate where I want my creativity to go next.

I’ll still participate in a few prompts, but for the duration of January my focus will be on other things.

Photo by Phil Kallahar from Pexels



Valborg 2020

Public domain

This year, only the weather is as it use to be. So instead of a big fire, a walk in the twilight woods, listening to birds singing.

Content in the knowledge that I managed to achieve a goal, even if depression still rules my life. I’ve written 30 poems in 30 days during GloPoWriMo. Even though I published a bit less other pieces I’ve still managed to write way more this month than I have before.

Going forward I will set up time to rest and not write unless inspiration strikes, but will keep pushing myself to write something all other days, to keep chipping away at those ten thousand hours you need.

I see no way the world can just resume as it was, and anyhow my world where already going trough seismic changes, so I’m grateful for this push to restart positively with a months writing challenge, building my confidence, that maybe I can do this. Instead of sinking deep in all the misery around.

May you be happy!

May you be healthy!

May you be inspired!

May you be safe!

May you be at peace!

Loving Kindness Meditation
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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