Always felt other and wrong
Never truly felt like I belong
Never felt unencumbered and free
Allowed to just be me
Perpetual cycles of pain and abuse
Always guessing which persona mask to use
Living with nagging doubt, maybe I’m just insane~Can a diagnosis everything explain~
Help me to equilibrium gain
©RedCat
Teach me what I need to know
To at functioning life have a go
Give me hope of fitting in
Break my minds eternal tailspin
Show me how to reach good mental health
Allow me to fully use my minds idea wealth
Sitting here wondering if I really dare to post this. Afraid to expose myself. Afraid to overshare. Afraid to be rejected once more. At the same time feeling like I need to share how much upheaval there is right now. And why.
I’ve had bouts of depression on and off through life. And I’ve been told to view them and every other issue as stemming from the abuse I’ve gone through. That my struggles depend on that only and if I can somehow overcome them I will be as everyone else.
Cue a new psychologist.
Who started to ask questions I’ve never got before. Who administered not just the really short screening tests (that apparently typically don’t catch female sufferers) but longer fuller tests that screen for Adhd/Add and Autism spectrum disorder. The last months have been test upon test. There are a few left but the first of the two is by now a given, the second one in some kind of high functioning way very probable.
I don’t know how to feel about either. And I don’t know if it will really help in any practical way.
I’m still me, as I’ve always been.
Will this alter others’ perspective of me?
Written in the Puente form for tonight’s Poetics: Build a Bridge at dVerse.
Rhyme scheme: aabbccd d deeffgg
The world according to RedCat 
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this–the trauma and the search for answers–and I’m happy you feel comfortable enough to share your experience. Only you can decide if it’s helpful, but it sounds like going through the process and having someone who actually listens and understands has been helpful. It’s good you found a new therapist. Wishing you all the best!
This has the immediacy and rhythm of a rap, what a young poet friend of mine calls “spitting” (I think that’s right). The pain, anger, acceptance, and desire are visceral. Thank you.
The beauty of poetry is that it becomes the writer’s story, even when it is somehow disguised. Your puente is beautiful, raw, deep, insightful and strong.
Admitting to health issues and scars from the past should be nothing to be ashamed of. It is only by talking that we get rid of stigma. I have suffered serious bouts of depression in the past, but for the moment these seem to be limited to PMDD time. Something to be thankful for, I suppose!
A brave post, Helene, and, I think, a necessary one. You have not exposed yourself, but you have put your feelings and fears into words, and you certainly won’t be rejected. I’m so sorry that you’ve been having such a hard time.
Raw and real. You’re not alone!
There is nothing better than authentic poem from the heart! You have done that here and it works really well. I am glad you are finding the help you need to break through all the insecurities of life!
Dwight
I think being honest is always the best… at least at dVerse I feel safe myself. I often wonder too if a diagnosis helps, I know those it helped… at least partly… but others seem still to scramble for explaination.
“Always guessing which persona mask to use” – such a fantastic line.
And kudos on your honesty. Definitely not always so easy to open up.
Helene, you are on your journey, and I’m glad you decided to share here in your poem and your afterword. I’m glad you are having someone take a closer look, one who has the experience to know who which tests work best for. My best advice in regard to diagnoses etc is to look at what is learned as a smorgasbord of ideas where only you know what resonates for you and what doesn’t. I admire you for taking a journey into self-knowledge that many don’t for one reason or another. <3
I commend your boldness, and personal disclosure.
Were I only half as bold, I would have much to write.
As far as poetics go, I like the clear shift of tone,
from the first verse to the third verse.
I have no idea what it takes to share such things. i imagine courage and hope for understanding. I hope it is some consolation that a complete stranger now understands a little more about such difficulties. Thank you for that. I think learning more about yourself should be helpful. I hope this is so. I wish you well.
No ofcourse not 💝 You are still you, beautiful, brilliantly creative and a strong, caring person close to my heart. This is such a poignant and painstakingly honest write.